Nicolas Cage Is a Joke in Superserious Knowing

Review in a Hurry: Knowing is only half the battle, as a decent script—about scarily accurate apocalyptic prophecies unearthed in an elementary school time capsule—is sabotaged by cartoonish CG and the even-more-cartoonish Nicolas Cage.
The Bigger Picture: Fifty years ago, a freaky little girl (Lara Robinson) straight out of a Japanese horror movie comes up with the idea for her class to do a time capsule. While the rest of her schoolmates put cool drawings of rocket ships inside, she just writes rows and rows of numbers, then hides in a closet where she scratches the walls until her fingers bleed.
Cut to the present. The time capsule is opened, and young Caleb Koestler (Chandler Canterbury) gets hold of the numbers and shows them to his father, John (Cage), who immediately notices 9-11-01 on there. He extrapolates from there that every other number is a major disaster date, predicted in order, with a few yet to happen. Meanwhile, creepy albinos in dark jackets, who apparently escaped from director Alex Proyas' other movie Dark City, seem to be shadowing Caleb's every move.
It is at times quite an eerie story, with Proyas doing his best to make the disaster sequences as disturbing as possible given the constraints of a PG-13 rating and the fact that he's trying to replicate New York City in Australia via CG that's so five years ago (should've given Peter Jackson a call!).
But Proyas must have been in a time capsule of his own when he allowed the casting of Cage. Yes, the '80s Nic Cage would have been perfect for a dark, Twilight Zone-style tale, but the hysterical, over-gesticulating, Elvis-accented loon who starred in the National Treasure movies and Ghost Rider is not that guy any more. Hasn't been in a while.
Make no mistake, Cage can still be entertaining as hell but only in a movie that's not looking to be taken too seriously, and boy, Proyas really seems to be trying hard to freak out audiences here. The only person it's apparently working on is his star.
The 180—a Second Opinion: What needs to happen here is a reversal of the usual way Hollywood does business: Get a Japanese director to do an Asian remake with no stars and a more modest budget. The material is solid enough; it just requires different execution.

Dear I Love You, Man: We Love You, Man

Review in a Hurry: This comedy of manners, about the anxieties of modern male friendship, gets the balance of smarts and raunch exactly right. Plus, costars Paul Rudd and Jason Segel could not be more likeable, funny and on their game.
The Bigger Picture: What could easily have been a base-level gagfest about man hugs and beer pong is, in fact, a thoughtful exploration of intimacy and vulnerability with new friends and familiar lovers.
Consider: Is it OK to split a bottle of wine on the first outing? When is it cool to christen your buddy with a whacky nickname, like Pistol? Are you ever allowed to "poke" your guyfriend on Facebook?
These dilemmas sound mundane, but for Peter (Rudd) they create an anxious paralysis. When he starts planning his wedding with longtime girlfriend Zooey (Rashida Jones), his lack of friends becomes troubling. The couple decides their future will be bleak if Rudd doesn't branch out and get some bros to buddy up with. After a series of comical misfires, shy, prudish Peter befriends the unflappably cool Sydney (Segel). Here, Segel is disarmingly charming and eerily genuine. Most importantly, when Peter continuously ties himself into socially awkward knots, Sydney is there to untangle him.
There are no generic characters or contrived plot points, and the tone of the film never devolves into anything mean-spirited. Indeed, it would be simple to make Zooey and her gaggle of girlfriends preening, nagging villains, but writer-director John Hamberg (Along Came Polly) provides the ladies with great quips and compassion. There are a handful of delicious cameos and bit parts, too, the best being John Favreau as a cock-sure bully.
Rudd's comedic timing seems supernatural. He embodies his roles with total ease but remains disciplined in his delivery. Segel's humor isn't gimmicky, and his appeal is broader and could go deeper if he dips his toe into dramatic roles.
Together, the dynamic is irresistible. I Love You, Man claims another success of the now-familiar Apatowian formula—soft-hearted guys armed with wits and dick jokes—that's revitalized American comedy. (Oh, and for the record, Judd Apatow had nothing to do with this movie.)
The 180—a Second Opinion: The set up is fresh, but the end may seem predictable. If you're not won over by Peter and Sydney's bondfest, their man antics will seem drawn out and tedious.
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Monsters vs. Aliens: All-Star, Gee-Whiz Fun—in 3-D!

Review in a Hurry: In this freaky, fun but formulaic smackdown, the U.S. army uses sci-fi mutants to battle ETs intent on invading our planet. The bigger-than-life concept, out-of-this-world voice cast (led by Reese Witherspon) and eye-gouging 3-D visuals make MvA worth attacking.
The Bigger Picture: Poor Susan Murphy (Witherspoon). On the day of her wedding to weatherman Derek Dietl (the ubiquitous Paul Rudd), the California brunette gets hit by a radioactive meteorite (hate it when that happens), which turns her into a 50-foot giant with peroxide hair (hate that, too).
Susan is nabbed by the military, renamed Ginormica and locked away in a secret government compound, where—in a nod to '50s B movies—she meets and befriends a clawful of mutated misfits. She finally gets a chance at freedom by agreeing to fight (along with her fellow freaks) Earth-attacking aliens led by googly-eyed Gallaxhar (Rainn Wilson).
All this leads to some whiz-bang set pieces with exciting—but family-friendly—action, notably a midway showdown on the Golden Gate Bridge. Attempts to probe your funny bone are more hit-and-miss, with a script that injects limp pop-culture references and shows strain at its development seams (not a surprise, given the six credited writers and Xenu knows how many others).
With her spunky, sexy delivery, Witherspoon proves she might have an action-heroine career yet. Seth Rogen, though still trading on his amiable stoner schtick, earns chuckles as blue blob B.O.B., and Hugh Laurie is deliciously diabolical as The Fly-inspired scientist Dr. Cockroach.
But as with many 3-D movies, the flash is more impressive than the substance. The DreamWorks animated adventure ultimately lacks the originality of a Pixar pic or the creative kick of last year's Kung Fu Panda, so let's hope that in future 3-D releases—many more comin' at ya, literally!—the storytelling will be as innovative as the technology.
The 180—a Second Opinion: A climactic sequence relies on a tired gag about Dance Dance Revolution. Really? DDR is sooo light-years ago.

Golden Globes Span Slumdog, Kate (Twice!), Mickey, Heath & Tina

Slumdog Millionaire took a big bite out of the celluloid competition—and a big step toward Oscar—with four awards, including Best Picture, Drama and Best Director for Danny Boyle at Sunday's 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards.
But the heartwarming little-film-that-could wasn't the only one who milked the spotlight, thanks to some golden moments for Kate Winslet, Mickey Rourke, Heath Ledger, Tina Fey and John Adams.
Winslet proved a one-woman victory machine, sweeping the Best Actress, Drama, and Supporting Actress categories for her drastically different turns as a discontented 1950s-era housewife in Revolutionary Road and as a guilt-ridden former concentration camp guard who has an affair with a teenager in The Reader.
"I am so sorry, Anne, Meryl, Kristin—oh god, who's the other one?! Angelina! This is, OK now, forgive me...Is this really happening?" stuttered the flabbergasted actress as she capped off her night with the win for Revolutionary Road.
Rourke, whose comeback took a turn for the legitimate as he pinned down the win for Best Actor for The Wrestler, gave a Hollywood-outsider-style acceptance speech that, like Winslet's overwhelmed batch of thank-yous, provided both amusing and heartfelt entertainment.
"Several years ago, I was almost out of this business, and a young man kinda got in touch with me, and he kinda put his whole career on the line, saying he wanted to represent me," Rourke said. "So I want to thank David Unger for having the balls. And I want to thank his boss at ICM for not putting him back in the mailroom."
Director Darren Aronofsky "brought the best out of me," Rourke continued. "He hates it when I say he's tough, but he's one tough son of a bitch." (Aronofsky rewarded the sentiment by good-naturedly giving his star the finger.) "If you're not in shape, the man will bring you down, because I always say he's smarter than the rest of us—maybe not Steven," he added, meaning the night's Cecil B. DeMille Award recipient, Steven Spielberg.
Stephen Vaughan/Warner Bros. Entertainment
Meanwhile, awards season continued to be good to Ledger's memory, as the Australian thesp—who died almost one year ago—was named Best Supporting Actor for his still-chilling turn in The Dark Knight, solidifying his Oscar chances.
"All of us who worked with Heath on The Dark Knight accept this with an awful mixture of sadness and incredible pride," said director Christopher Nolan, whose speech followed a specially prepared clip from the film. "For any of us lucky enough to have worked with him, and those of us lucky enough to have enjoyed his performances, he will be eternally missed—but he will never be forgotten."
But while Nolan shared in one of the evening's most heartfelt moments, Tracy Morgan stole the show when accepting 30 Rock's Golden Globe for Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical.
"Tina Fey and I had an agreement," he began, "that if Barack Obama won, I would speak for the show from now on. Welcome to postracial America—I am the face of postracial America! Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!"
AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill
Further non sequiturs ensued, but really, what better example of why 30 Rock deserved to win (and sweep the lead comedy acting awards) could there be?
Alec Baldwin notched his second win for playing network exec Jack Donaghy—and purposely dated himself by reminiscing about how he used to bring Rumer Willis (this year's Miss Golden Globe) juice boxes on film sets, back in the day. Fey's hell-of-a-year continued, as well, as she notched her second consecutive win for playing neurotic TV writer Liz Lemon.
"I've always loved the Hollywood Foreign Press. I have all the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures," began Fey, whose critically beloved NBC series saw its viewership inch up this fall due in part to Fey's other alter ego, Sarah Palin. "But I want you to know that I really know how very lucky I am to have the year that I've had...and if you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet.
"You can find a lot of people there who don't like you," she added, before wishing all her detractors the proverbial "suck it."
Nudging her way into the veterans' club was Anna Paquin, a winner for Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama, for HBO's freshman vampire series True Blood.
HBO, as tends to be the case, was the most-winning network of the night, with seven awards, while NBC took three (all for 30 Rock) and AMC brought up the rear, thanks to its repeat Best TV Series, Drama, win for Mad Men.
Also coming out on top was Europe, which, in addition to the one-woman dynamo that was Winslet, fielded a great share of the evening's Globe recipients, including Best Actress, Comedy or Musical, winner Sally Hawkins, whose tirelessly cheerful schoolteacher powered Mike Leigh's Happy-Go-Lucky'; Dubliner Colin Farrell, who took the male counterpart of that honor for the caper comedy-thriller In Bruges; and absentee Irishman Gabriel Byrne, who swooped in (figuratively) to snatch the award for Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama, for his role as an overly involved psychiatrist in HBO's In Treatment.
"Thank you, [director Martin McDonagh], for not listening to me when I asked you to cast someone else. I've never been so at peace with being ignored in my life," said Farrell, no longer reeking from the stench of Miami Vice and Alexander. "This is at least half yours," he said to In Bruges costar Brendan Gleeson. "I'll cut if for you when I get offstage and you can have a hemisphere."
The hot 'n' steamy Vicky Christina Barcelona—not really an Oscar contender but a solid effort from Woody Allen—was the Hollywood Foreign Press' choice for the Globe-specific category of Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical.
Jeremy Piven also fell prey to the international onslaught, missing out on his second consecutive win for Supporting Actor in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie to John Adams' Tom Wilkinson.
Steve Granitz/Getty Images, AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill
The seven-part HBO event about the second U.S. president, which scored 13 Emmys in September, duly won the Globe for Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for TV, as well, while Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney followed up their Emmy wins with two more respective trophies for Best Actor and Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie to help make John Adams the most winning program of the night.
"This was hell of a job, this thing, this was a hell of a job," Giamatti said. "This little costume drama we put on—it seems there were thousands of people who saved my ass...every minute of every day."
While Slumdog Millionaire and John Adams tied with the most wins with four, the three leading nominees coming into the evening were completely shut out. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon and Doubt each went 0-for-5. But at least the drinks were free.

That’s Why Angie’s So Skinny

There's such an obvious explanation to Angelina Jolie's weight loss! According to The Sun, the über-thin gal is doing the Master Cleanse.
For any of you who don't know what this is, it's a crazyass diet where you basically drink only peppered lemonade. We've tried it and lasted mere hours. Angie's goal? 21 pounds in 21 days. A totally healthy thing for a mom and "role model" to do right?

Blab Blab Blab: Meet the New Michael Cera

"People always ask me if I thought of Michael Cera before Jesse, and the truth is I was a fan of Jesse's already. He was the first person I thought of because he's a New Yorker and is more neurotic than Michael and felt more like [the character]. Michael is brilliant; he would have been great. My one concern with Jesse was that he had done Squid and the Whale and there was some overlap with the characters, but I thought I can live with the comparisons because I think it's a great movie."
—Adventureland director Greg Mottola on casting Jesse Eisenberg as the lead in his flick. We absolutely adore Michael Cera and are stoked to see him in the upcoming Arrested Development flick next year, but wasn't he kind of a boy diva about signing onto the series that made him in the first place? We're excited to see a loveable new kid in town, 'cause after meeting Jesse, we know he's up to the loveable geek heartthrob challenge

Natasha Richardson: Final Thoughts and Questions

The questions are coming in from everywhere:
From Canada, sources who informed me of Richardson's extended hotel stay and dizziness before her accident are terrified they're going to be found out, fired, tried and beaten to death. And not just by their employers, but by angry Awful Truth mobs of commenting zealots, too.
What the ef? They seem to hate anybody questioning anything about Richardson's death at this point. Particularly love those who hang me out to dry because I'm reporting on a friend's death—"milking it," they say. And that makes me an info slut and a sellout? Uh, first, it's news, and second, it was my friendship. I'll discuss it as I please.
But there are issues far more important here than all this bitchy reader mud slinging.

Bitch-Back! What’s Going on With Rihanna and Chris?

Dear Ted:As someone who works with domestic violence victims every day, I see situations just like the one with Rihanna and Chris Brown (text messaging leading to beat down with a dash of strangulation thrown in). While I hope it is true that she has taken "a break" from him, it would have been unusual if she hadn't gone back to him. This is a difficult cycle to break. What I don't understand is why no one is seeing this supposed sex tape for what it is: an attempt by Chris Brown and his minions to intimidate her from testifying against him. It's awfully convenient that it surfaced just after she left him to take "a break." Am I the only one who finds this suspicious?—Megan
Dear Sexmailed:Honestly, Megan, there was never a real break between them, just crisis mode over at Rihanna's PR camp. Unfortunately, when you're in that kind of vicious cycle (as I'm sure you know), she's not going to be able to just up and leave him. I hope they both get the help they need...separately.
Dear Ted:I was just reading Lindsay Lohan's recent claim: "I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie." Am I correct in thinking she's either (a) lying, (b) in serious denial about her life or (c) all of the above? I think it's sad. I wonder what kind of wake-up call it would take for her to pause and examine her life. Any thoughts? —Emily
Dear Shine Me On:Obviously, darling.
Dear Ted:Why can you not get an effing life and stay out of other people's business?

World Waits; Rihanna Inks Her Response

For all of you wondering what Rihanna's thinking about her awful sitch with Chris Brown, the woman's finally made a statement—but the gal's still not saying a word.
Pics popped up on the MySpace account of Ri-Ri's tattoo artist, and what an inked shot 'round the world it is: The beaten singer just had a gun tat slapped on her ribs. Babe musta wanted it badly, since she personally flew her guy out to L.A. for a day to do it.
Still, we think this was totally the wrong choice, what about you? Spout off in the poll below.

Morning Piss: Octomonster, Times Two

As if Gloria Allred's damning reports of Octomom's reprehensible actions toward her kids aren't enough, I'm here to tell you Dr. Phil—during all of his negotiations with Octomom and her greasy set—has exhibited behavior that's just as disgusting, in my opinion.
As you're of course aware, Dr. Phil's been negotiating his two-part Octo interview for weeks. "Never once," said a close Dr. Phil source, "did he show any real concern for those kids. He's just like she is; it's just about the publicity."
True enough, but hey, he's not their dad, so what's the biggie, right? Just that Phil's made a fortune spewing homespun, get-real advice to the masses, that's all. Should we really be taking it from a man who's perfectly aware that somebody's kids are being neglected at home, but who, meanwhile, turns a deaf ear and gives that woman a softie interview?
I mean, if Gloria Allred, biggest camera whore of all time, is calling Child Protective Services on Octomom while the good doc's just calling his producers, that's insanely wrong. Can we call Talk Show Protective Services, I wonder?
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Caught! Somebody Totally Messes With the Hoff

David Hasselhoff and his wife, providing the nice people waiting in New York's JFK airport some unintended LOLs. David was checking in first class (thank you, Baywatch reruns) at the Virgin America counter, when the people checking him in totally called him out.
When the Hoff walked away, some folks at the ticket counter were heard saying (and not exactly in hush-hush tones, either), "Oh my God, did you see his face-lift? Way too tight. And her lips were like Octomoms!" Love it. New reality show, perhaps? Flying Off at the Mouth?
Practically flying off the damn dance floor down in Miami was...

Dear Ted:You know I am a devoted reader and I check your website every day. However, I'm getting annoyed: It's like freakin' Groundhog Day at the Awful Truth lately. Who cares about the cast of Twilight? Yes, I adored the movie, couldn't get it out of my head for days. Then I got over it! Why is it you listen to your readers regarding all the Angelina posts, yet you basically refuse to report anything about black celebs? And please, don't try making amends by posting a pic of friggin' Will Smith. Can't we get some insider info on Amber Rose? At least bring back the daily Angelina dirt; I'm sick of your new weird fascination for all things teenybop. I am begging you, give it a rest! I'd rather read endless gossip on Teri Snatchers than one more item on that boring-ass Brit Pattinson. Johnny Depp, he is not. And don't sass me on that one, you know I'm right! —Peeved in DC
Dear Teened Out:Honestly babe, totally understand. But you all need to make up your mind! If you don't know what I mean, please by all means do read on.
Dear Ted:What do you really honestly think about every single person in Twilight the movie?

John Mayer: "Twitter Is Silly and Dumb!"

The way John Mayer uses Twitter, you’d think he would have nothing but high praise for the social networking phenomenon.
But no, the singer actually has some harsh words for the latest in social messaging.
"It’s inherently silly and it’s inherently dumb," the singer told me last night at the One Splendid Evening benefit for the VH1 Save the Music Foundation aboard the Carnival Splendor cruise ship in San Pedro, Calif. "If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well...It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop."
So why does the Grammy-winner twitter all the time?
"I've always communicated at a high level as best I can whether it's Twitter, Napster or message boards or wherever," Mayer said. "I don't have a devotion to Twitter. I didn't sell out to Twitter. You do Twitter until everybody gets off of Twitter and it's something else you go and try out."
After last night’s benefit, which included performances by Jordin Sparks and Gavin Rossdale, the ship became the Mayercraft for a four-day cruise to Mexico for about 3,000 John Mayer fans.
Mayer made a splash last year when he wore a Borat-like green "mankini" during the inaugural trip. Sparks told me she hoped he would go "’80s fluorescent pink" this time around.
But the pink will have to wait. Mayer says he's already picked out a white number—and it's not a mankini.
"The item I am going to wear at some point on the boat is actually cut for a woman," he said. "I know this because the clasps go the other way and...there’s a little bit of squeeze, which I know was architecturally designed for a woman."
As for his recent breakup with Jennifer Aniston, Mayer wasn’t saying a word. The press was warned by his handler that if we tried to go there with him, our conversation would be over.
We'll just wait for the Twitter update on that one.